Things I learned this week:
Morphine makes me vomit.
Doctors are really helpful beasts but they are limited in what they can do. A&E doctor: “there’s something really wrong with you but you need to see a clever neurologist to figure it out.”
I am not too old to get charley horses.
My crown chakra was completely blocked. Also, my chakra colors are wrong. Mine goes: orange, green, yellow, red, black, blue, and when it was unblocked, pure white.
I am looking at things like chakras and aromatherapy because it is doing SOMETHING, even suspect somethings, while my health team is waiting for the clever doctors to sort things out. I can’t keep waiting without some emotional support.
Doing a chakra meditation (using a pure sound meditation) helped, mentally. I do feel much more zen, much more with it. Ever since Monday and the morphine and the NO2/O2 gas I have felt like I was floating a foot above my own head. I needed grounding something fierce.
I do not feel physically better. There’s nausea and dizziness bordering on vertigo and muscle spasms so bad I can’t sit upright and pain. But I feel a little more able to cope. Whether that’s the meditating or the fact that we’ve been on an old movie kick thanks to iTunes rentals (how did I not know this was a thing?) I don’t know. It’s hard to feel miserable watching Singles and the original Hairspray. J’s choice: The Goonies which he’s watching right now (or trying to). There’s a List. I finally understand while people get iTunes gift cards!
Nearly all the treatments I have been given so far are designed not to deal with the root of the problem but take the symptoms of the problem away. This is WRONG. It feels wrong. Now, this is an important distinction. Most of my illnesses do not have a fixable root cause so managing the symptoms is as good as it gets. I am also on what are called disease modifying drugs – they work at the root of the symptoms. This current problem, whatever it may turn out to be (ie- fixable root cause or not) has not yet been investigated at root level. So the medications that do not take away the pain or fix the problem but that try to make me less aware of the problem suck. Because they don’t take the pain away. They just make me feel drunk or high or disconnected to my body or more concerned about the puking than the pain. That makes re-entry (as it were) rough. I need less rough.
Knitting has to go on hold until this problem is addressed. The pain and muscular freak outs may not be related to knitting but until I know for sure, no more. This sucks. That has not stopped me from looking seriously at what I want to knit in the future, if anything.
I get to stop apologizing for love. I am one of those gushy people, not because I think it’s cool or cute because I am honestly that passionate and excited about things. (I also vent pretty spectacularly. I come by it honestly, we can throw epic tantrums on my dad’s side of the family.) I have this habit of telling the people I love that I love them. A lot. And this can get me some pretty interesting replies. People don’t seem terribly comfortable with being loved. I’m one of those people. I’ll work on loving me first and then I will unapologetically love my friends. That seems a funny thing to want to apologize for, doesn’t it?
The internet is not high school (although it can feel like it at times). I get to defriend, unfollow, and otherwise disengage from those who do not support what I need from my online life. Likewise, sometimes the cool kids won’t let me into their clique. That’s ok. That feeling of rejection does not serve me and is also patently ridiculous. See: not high school.
Everything’s…everywhere. I don’t know. I’ll let you know when I do though.
Have a good week.