So yeah. That last blog post was extremely redundant because if you follow me on Instagram (photographoe) or Flickr (.photographoe.) you’d already seen all those pictures and if you follow me on Twitter (phoeagain), you’d also heard all the health blatherings. I am so stuck in an online rut. Not even stuck in a “wow, how did I get here?” kind of way. But in the way where you fall in love with An Idea and you stick to that Idea even when it’s rather obvious it doesn’t really stick to you. I am in an Idealistic Idea Rut. And it is time to kick out the jams. Which is insanely terrifying, NOT because I’m having to convince myself to do it but because I’m having to process that I have already made the decisions and they are what’s right for me right now. And surely since I am so entrenched in this Idea these decisions should really be a struggle. So what does it say about me and my habit of following Ideas that are not my own that after YEARS of upholding the Idea it’s all fizzled out? Does that make me fickle? Unreasonable? Unemotional? Shouldn’t I be pitching an enormous fit right about now? Shouldn’t I be hair-tearing and angsting it up? I’m not. And ironically, that’s causing me angst. Oh, the hilarity. Not.
This is all very cryptic at the point and it’s not that I’m trying to be mysterious. Rather, I’m waiting for the freak/fall out before I publicly commit to doing things I’ve already totally committed to. I’ve learned my lesson on that one. And the first law of magic is containment, which is always useful to remember. Plus, the lack of freak out is freaking me out. I am seriously losing sleep over how little angst this is giving me. Yes, I’m weird. Also very, very prone to insomnia.
And? I’m bloody annoyed. It’s like I got on autopilot somewhere and stopped listening to what I wanted as opposed to the Idea. And it seems like that autopilot switch on was somewhere back around the 3rd grade so, you know, BIG ISSUES THERE. Should is a dirty word. I have been shoulding myself up a frigging creek. Time to haul in the oars and let this baby coast.
I’ve gotten into a life rut as well. It’s like I’ve spent the last 10 years pretending I wasn’t really sick because that’s what was socially acceptable while being able to completely avoid being sick. It was always “I should be well and so I’m supposed to fake it til I make it.” But chronic and incurable MEAN that I never will make it. And instead of railing against it or pretending it doesn’t exist to make other people comfortable, I need to integrate it wholly into my life. This, from someone with a Type A perfectionist personality and the daughter of a disabled father with a work ethic that is downright scary, is a tall order. Which is why it’s taken my 10 years to even get up the courage to try.
I’m not a miserable person. Some of the crap in my life is miserable making (as there is in everyone’s) and the idea of not processing or feeling that because I should be chipper or cheerful or think of how bad other people have it (WHY is that a thing people say? The next time someone is happy should I point out how much happier other people are? When they get a promotion, should I point out how other people have better jobs and make more money? Should I constantly point out how much better other people have it to do whatever it is we think telling people that others have it worse is supposed to do? Let’s just all stop pointing it out, ok? Sometimes life is shit. Ask Monty Python. Hell, ask ANYONE.) is ridiculous. (Yeah, world’s worst run on sentence there.) I will feel feelings and that includes good ones and bad ones. Right now I am feeling the heat (have you heard about the UK heatwave? You can laugh but in a land without A/C, the high 80s is HOT), pain (I always do), tiredness (slept lousy and have been busy all morning), a bit of that high I get when I write (it’s the communication of ideas vs following Ideas), worry that no one will read or comment, and frustration (because I am ALWAYS a certain level of frustrated – I blame the chronic pain/fatigue). Those are normal. If I sit here too long ignoring my limitations, it will become miserable making. That’s life though, isn’t it?
“Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.”
I’m not sure this has a point. I’m not sure it even needs to. Just… hi. I’m working on it. How are you?
(More photos you’ve probably already seen. Like I said, working on it. But look! A local sandy beach! KNITTING!!)