I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately but not always to any real, final decision. One day I make up my mind that this is the way I’ll do things and the next either I’ll find a better way to do it. There is nothing so remarkable about this except that for me it’s been a non-stop process since the year began. Every day some new idea is born and every day another idea falls. I’m beginning to feel rather at sea with all this change.
I do long for change, I know who and where and what I want to become. And I know that by forming these new ideas, I do change. But nothing seems to be laying down any foundations. Nothing seems strong enough to build on. But here are my ideas for today. We’ll see if they last out tomorrow.
Where on earth did we get this idea that January was the time to kick start projects and light the collective fires under our collective asses to get stuff done? January is winter. Christmas does not *end* winter, it begins it. If I follow the seasons to govern my activity levels, I would still be in resting mode. Winter is when everything rests. Everything is dormant, still. As opposed to hitting the ground running a week after winter begins, I plan on spending the whole of winter resting. Being still. That’s not to say I’ll never do anything, rather it will be more in the way of maintenance, keeping things together and taking care of myself.
Spring, now that’s the time for new life. New energy. New projects and plans. Spring cleaning, that surge we get in our blood when the green leaves begin to show. This is the time for creative endeavors, for long term projects. For getting stuff started and getting shit done.
Summer. It’s almost like a break. You’ve worked hard all spring now let yourself enjoy summer while continuing to see projects through. My energy levels are highest in summer. I naturally want to do more. Let that natural inclination carry me through.
Autumn. Every. single. year. I think I’ll get this huge surge of energy in autumn and instead I get worse. My natural health cycle means I need rest after the summer. This is when all the projects get wrapped up, when things that can be finished get finished and things that can’t go into maintenance mode for winter.
Winter. Christmas is always more stressful than I’d like it to be but I’m doing serious thinking on how to combat that. It would be easier to get clear on the idea of rest if it were properly cold and snowy out but while I live in this part of the world I am stuck with grey and rainy days in the mid 40s. One day I will make peace with that. Or move somewhere where there is real winter.
If I go into each season keeping a close watch on my health and inclination, I think I’ll be better. Go with the flow, with the natural changes. Stop fighting them and myself.
This idea has been brewing for some time but it’s only recently that we’ve gotten it finalized. The idea is that in everything there are four pillars, four main ideas that need to be taken into account. For *everything*.
This has too often been something I paid no attention to until I landed myself in the hospital. I hate the hospital so much that I am willing to change my entire life around to stay out of it. Health and well-being are the first priority in *everything*. From what I eat, where I go, what I do, what I knit and wear. This means making sometimes difficult choices. But overall, the idea here is flow. If something, no matter how fun or how much I’ve said I will be able to do it, is going to impede my health it’s gone. Done. The end. If I know I want to go out on Tuesday then I have to rest on the weekend. Beyond that, it also takes into account the mental and spiritual aspect of life. If something is hurting, worrying or stressing me out I will stop and try and find a way to make it less. In some instances it will mean letting go of people/situations I’d rather hold on to. It will mean discussing things with honest feelings and self-truth. It will mean letting go and not rehashing. If I make a mistake I will own up and let it go. Everything has to be secondary to this. And most important, I have to be pretty damn unapologetic about it. I will draw a circle around my well-being and keep it sacred.
In terms of the both of us, we have to eat better. Exercise more. Get more fresh air and sunshine. Be healthier and stronger and mentally clearer.
Oh dear. If like me you were raised to think the discussion of money matter gauche in the extreme, look away now. But discuss it I must. J. lost his job last year and it was a real eye-opener in terms of how we lived and more importantly, how we wanted to live. He’s been made permanent now and we’re trying to be extra careful about what we do and yes, how we spend. Last month an absolutely perfect place for us turned up in a random apartment search. It was in a great neighborhood, it was huge, it had some features we really loved, it was cheap by Winchester’s standards. And we couldn’t get it. The last six months have put us in a position that we have to recover from. And until we do, dream houses may come and go and we can’t do a thing about it. I don’t like that feeling. Dreams hurt when they die.
We already budget and have long term plans in place. But this year it’s about moving up the timeline on some of them and making absolute damn sure that we’re making the choices that let us take up that dream next time it comes around. Which it will. I have faith in that.
This one is the other side of the money coin as illustrated above. Life has not been as I expected it in any way, shape or form. A lot of dreams have died and more dreams seem to be dying slow deaths all around me. It is time to form new dreams. We have both forgotten how to dream in some ways. I got so used to viewing everything as a negative to begin with that it seemed pointless. But I will learn to dream again. To set goals, some realistic, some not so realistic. More importantly, I will follow through on them.
J’s a guitarist. He also paints. I’m a photographer. I also write. These are the things we have taken out of the ashes of last year. He’s not sure what he wants to do with his painting. And while I am sure what I want to be doing with my writing, I am not doing it. But we both know what we are first and foremost. He makes music. I take pictures. Everything and anything that promotes and inspires these things will be vital to our lives from here on out. Because J. without his guitar? And me without a camera? No. Freaking. WAY. Not happening. It’s who we are. Time to make it a priority.
So there you go. What has been swirling around my head. Please join the discussion if you are so inclined.