1. Taking A Break

    May 18, 2012 by Phoe

    May 17: 138/365

    No, not from blogging (at least not an intentional one), rather from the heavy stuff. Thank you for reading Wednesday’s post and thank you even more if you commented. Lots to think about and comment on there. And I’ll do it, just not today. I’m wiped out. Nightmares and panic attacks and more cold weather and UGH. So. Weekly thing it is.

    Link Soup: Things I’m Afraid To Do – some awesome bloggers have been taking part. I have not. For 2 days I’ve been working on it and for 2 days I’ve had really horrible nightmares. So it’s not so much that I’m afraid to blog about this stuff, I’m just afraid of it period.

    May 16: 137/365

    Health: Fatigue is kicking my ass.

    Knitting: There has been some but no progress pictures (I’m too tired). Instead, I have a question. Knitters, what’s your favorite kind of DPNs? I’ve stalled out on the puffy hexes (despite some lovely leftover sock yarn from Jacey) because the cheap bamboo DPNs I’m using are killing my hands. Lightweight is a must, metal preferred.

    Sunshine Field

    Reading:

    Currently: Awake at Dawn by C.C. Hunter

    - The Housekeeper & The Professor by Yoko Ogawa – fiction. The story was interesting but all the baseball was not. Also, the math. I like math and all but… eh. I have problems with Japanese fiction. It’s so dense and sometimes I feel I am too.

    - Micah’s Magick by Anya Bast – fantasy short story, free Kindle book. Apparently you have to read the whole series before you read this or it makes no sense and you’re like WTF? I did not read the series first. So.

    - The Magic Touch by Dara England – fairy godmother short story, free Kindle book. Cute.

    - Effie at the Wedding by Tracey Marchini – chick lit very short story, free Kindle book. I’d call this a chapter, not a story. Which is a shame because I think this would be a fun story. Will not keep reading.

    - Wander Dust by Michelle Warren. YA time travel. Potentially a cool story. Actually, not very. Mainly wanted to kick the characters. Honestly, let the bad guys get the MC. She’s annoying anyway.

    - When She Woke by Hillary Jordan – YA dystopia. The first part of this book is fantastic. Really well developed world, really visceral scenes and emotions. And then it all went kind of fluffy and dithery and annoying. By the end I was hoping the MC would get caught as she was a complete user and she’s always almost getting into terrible, horrendous trouble but she’s rescued. Every single time. So obviously the danger is implied, not actual. Which makes most of her actions a moot point.

    - Real Mermaids Don’t Wear Toe Rings by Helene Boudreau – YA seafolk. I would have loved this as a kid. In fact, I would recommend it to any kid who likes mermaids, cute boys and a well thought out plot. A minimal amount of teen angst. Maybe pre-teen angst is less? Very sweet (yet actiony!) book. This is where implied menace works well. You don’t see much of it but you know the consequences are real and there. Unlike When She Woke.

    - The Rancher & The Reluctant Princess by Christine Flynn – Mills & Boon (think Harlequin). One of the cheap hospital books. A nice brain vacation where nice people have nice things happen to them and everyone lives happily ever after. Awwww.

    Watching: Knight Rider is on Netflix Instant. There’s been a lot of making fun of the hair. A lot.

    Crossroads

    May 18: 139/365

    A drive through the countryside on a typical 2012 English spring. So wet, so cold. So dreary.

    Listen.

    Happy Friday.


  2. Chrysalis Girl

    May 16, 2012 by Phoe

    I have been working on this post for 2 days now and it’s still terrifying me. So. Fair warning.

    This is where once again I think more than I show you pretty pictures (although there are some, if I do say so myself) and I dig into the issues which we as polite, happy, “only show the bright side of life” bloggers are supposed to avoid.

    May 12: 133/365

    This post comes from reading this post, and this one, and this one. Boy, have those posts jarred me. Hit something inside that I didn’t realize I’d been trying to bury. And like a Magic 8 Ball, up it comes floating to the surface and there’s an answer on it to a question I didn’t even let myself realize I’d asked.

    I’m over it. *takes big breath*

    I’m over the popularity contest of blogging, the mean comments that make me want to hide, the health issues that I skirt over because “no one wants to hear it” (my dad’s words but definitely backed up by 99% of the people I interact with), the sucking void of producing photos and knitting and words and a notion of self and feeling completely invisible while doing so. Will work for peanuts? No, try “will work for comments.” I’m so very over it.

    May 15: 136/365

    My life is a small life. In kinder moments I also know it is a beautiful life. But I want it to be bigger. I want more beauty. I want to heal from the layer of damage I’ve been applying for years: trying to be relevant and meaningful in a world full of words, trying to be the best that I can but not knowing who I’m trying to impress (you, maybe?), trying to give too much to make this place “real” and “authentic” yet not ugly because although ugliness is real, it certainly shouldn’t be blog fodder! (Says who? I DON’T KNOW!) I have enough damage, truly. I don’t need to add any. And dude, this stuff is exhausting.

    I’m over ignoring my limitations and letting my boundaries be too rigid or fluid to be useful. I’m over trying to be hipper and cooler than I actually am. I’m over thinking of others before I think of me. I’m over pretending that faith is a bad word (don’t worry, I vehemently oppose proselytizing but I do wish more people would talk about it – it’s how we learn). I’m an old cat lady in a broken down body. I have worn hipster glasses since the 90s. I’m not “in” or cool or anything other than an exceedingly geeky photographer who knits too much and writes books. That sounds pretty cool to me, damn it.

    May 14: 135/365

    I’m also VERY over letting my health define me. And that means making choices. I have chosen to keep this space for at least another year and the response to that has been kind (thank you). I’m doing another 365 over at the dying Flickr. (Seriously, what’s up with that? I love Flickr.) I’m doing too much habitual meaningless activities and too little important, vital ones.

    Basically, I need to start being who I am as opposed to who anyone else wants me to be. That’s not an issue that stems from my health problems. It’s exacerbated by it, of course. But the issue has existed since I was a wee kidlet and learned that love/friendship came with the price tag of perfection attached. And if you weren’t perfect, self-sacrifice was a worthy currency. How many of us had and still have those relationships? So VERY over that.

    May 13: 134/365

    So. What this all really means in practical terms? I have NO idea. Will I be sad if only a handful of people comment? Probably. Will I have to remind myself of this particular epiphany? Most definitely. That’s the thing about life, I find. It’s a moment of perfect clarity (eureka!) and then it all goes kind of fuzzy. Habits are easy, automatic. Knowing I’m over it and knowing what to do if I’m not doing falling back onto habits are two different things.

    I suppose I can sum it up though. I find myself missing the LiveJournal days when I said what I wanted and got real connection with people. Seriously, two of the most awesome friends I still have I met on LJ. When I went public, I got a little more reticent. I started editing posts before I posted them to make them fit. Fit what? No clue. But basically, if I start talking about my health or God or writing or how I really do not get flash photography, it would be nice if people stuck around. And people out there lurking felt involved. Because it all comes down to why we blog or update Facebook or Instagram or Twitter or email or whatever. Why do we do it? And if those reasons (whatever they are) are important to us, why do we self-consciously edit these things to make them more palatable?

    To thine own self be true? Nope. To the internet be true. I’m over it.

    So.

    Health: really terrible flare. I live in fear that all the random symptoms that revolve around new and scary flares will lead to a new diagnosis. I also live in fear that it’s just the same ol’ thing with new levels of scary ass shit to deal with.

    God: I have issues. (Big surprise.) I’ve been scarred and scared by organized religion so my idea of religion and faith is not beautiful. And I am guessing that faith can be very beautiful. If you would like to share, please do. But only if you are able to be respectful in your manner. Proselytizing is forbidden, yo.

    Writing: *groan* I want to. My body is having slight issues. My brain, oh boy. I would say that 91.9% of my writing issues can be summed up by one word: FEAR. The rest? Health. Not a viable excuse, self!

    Flash Photography: Really, really do not understand it. Got a flash with the Diani Mini and was playing around with it. And all I could think of was: WHY?

    So. Yeah. Stuff and nonsense and knitting to come.


  3. 9000 Pictures Down

    May 11, 2012 by Phoe

    What a crazy week. This weekend promises to be even crazier, which is… well, crazy.

    So. Here’s me catching up. Warning: long, picture heavy post. Ready? Ok.

    Crazy (But Mostly Good):

    Saturday Pub

    Met up with friends on Saturday.

    Sunshine Fields

    If You Go Down To The Woods Today...

    Went for a drive on Sunday.

    Visit

    Melissa came and visited on Wednesday. There was lots of knitting, some INSANE mac and cheese gnocchi and Scott Pilgrim. Because J. and I are addicted to that film.

    May 10: 131/365

    I won a Diana Mini through Tracey’s birthday blog contest. I admit the informal nature of Lomography is a little intimidating. Still, it looks like it will be a sunny weekend. I’ll get brave and try it out.

    Health:

    When Sjogren's Attacks

    Crazy busy = crazy tired. Also, Sjogren’s is being stupid. Sjogren’s, YOU SUCK.

    Yarn Melissa Brought Me:

    Malabrigo Worsted

    Malabrigo Worsted in Cadmium which I swapped for some Malabrigo Twist which was too cottony for my hands.

    Tosh DK

    Madelinetosh DK in Antique Lace. *pet*

    KP Shadow Tonal

    Knit Picks Shadow Tonal in Pearlescent which Melissa was kind enough to schlepp over here since they still don’t ship to the UK.

    Frogging:

    May 9: 130/365

    Meh. Frogging.

    Everblue

    Everblue Cardigan?

    Everblue Cardigan

    Frogged.

    Because: the pattern called for 1,410 yards for the size I knit. I used less than 880. Which meant I had an entire 440 yard skein leftover. And since I didn’t love the cardigan anywhere near as much as I love this yarn, frogged.

    Cloudy Skies

    Cloudy Skies Shawl? Frogged.

    Because: I knew I was 10 yards short on this pattern before I started so I cut out some of the middle rows. And I still ran out of yarn. So I frogged back to half the skein (I forgot to weigh it to begin with) and then began the decreases. And the shawl which had been a good size became uselessly piddly and tiny. So. Frogged.

    Knitting:

    Warning Light Shawl

    Warning Light Shawl.

    Embracing The Ugly

    Embracing The Ugly. I hate this color combination. But I bought the yarn for Stripe Study thinking they worked really well together. And since these are the only 2 single skeins of sock yarn I have left and I didn’t want to buy more, I have an ugly shawl. Fun pattern though.

    Reading:

    Currently – The Housekeeper and The Professor by Yoko Ogawa, which was a rec from Rachel.

    - Princess From The Past by Caitlin Crews – modern romance. Normal woman turned princess has to go home and face what she ran away from. Picked up a big stack of books from the hospital waiting room for £2. Some I suspect will be dire but this one was actually very good. Interesting characters + development, good plot. Surprising but not unwelcome.

    - Hounded (Iron Druid Chronicles #1) by Kevin Hearne – fae/mythology. A very old druid gets chased by a bunch of stuff, trusts the fae waaaay too much for anyone as old as he is ought to, saves the day. Really quite cool. Probably won’t read the rest of the series but did enjoy this one.

    - Crossed (Matched #2) by Ally Condie – YA dystopia. Nothing happens. No, really. This was SUCH a disappointment. After really enjoying the first, this was… I don’t know. A stop gap? It wasn’t even The Empire Strikes Back in terms of story development. It was way, way worse.

    - The Zillionaire Vampire Cowboy’s Secret Werewolf Babies by 9 different authors. – vamp/shifter romance/comedy. Really self explanatory. Take 9 authors intent on being silly and exploiting the stupidity and hilarity of a genre and give them a chapter to write each. Hilarious and absolutely terrible. In a funny way.

    - Friday Night Bites (Chicagoland Vampires #2) by Chloe Neill – vamps. Really enjoy this series.

    - Tall, Dark, and Dead by Tate Hallaway – vamps/witches. Vatican assassins go after a witch and a vampire only we don’t quite know why. Or what motivates them. Except sex. Obviously forced sex scenes are supposed to make up for the lack of character development. Eh.

    - Raised by Wolves (Raised by Wolves #1) by Jennifer Lynn Barnes – YA shifters. A human girl lives with a pack of shifters. I was so looking forward to getting this book. It was good. But. Probably won’t continue with the series.

    - Donovan’s Angel (Donovans of the Delta #1) by Peggy Webb – chick lit/romance, free Kindle book. Jazzercise teacher decides she can’t love a preacher. Who she loves anyway. Very sweet but frigging annoying.

    - Sean Griswold’s Head by Lindsey Leavitt – YA fiction. A girl’s dad gets MS, she deals by obsessing over a boy’s head. Sounds weird but not that terrible. One thing I can say though is that this book made me REALLY glad I’m not a teenager anymore. Gah, the angst is overwhelming.

    - Second Grave on the Right (Charley Davidson #2) by Darynda Jones – paranorm/demons. I really liked the first book in this series. It was funny, clever and the MC was pretty darn kickass. This book was funny, not terribly clever (figured out whodunit way before the characters did) and the MC went from kickass and occasionally needing help to calling for help every 3 minutes. Annoying.

    Watching: Scott Pilgrim, The Muppets, old episodes of Top Gear.

    May 8: 129/365

    Ok. Done. Happy Friday.


  4. Wednesday Wander

    May 3, 2012 by Phoe

    walkriver1

    walkriver2

    May 3: 114/365

    walkcollege

    walkcoffee

    Wandering along the river, lusting after river-front gardens and houses, enjoying the architecture, a wonderful weeping willow and some coffee (decaf for me, of course).

    And a bit o’ knitting:

    Shut Up And Drive

    Driven is blocking.

    And a sad state of affairs:

    All The Yarns

    This is all the yarn I’ve got: about 20 skeins. Not including a big bag of sock yarn remnants for puffy hexes. I don’t think I’ve ever had this little yarn before. It’s an experience. Not one I like, but hey ho.

    Vintage Cam + Instagram apps.

    A big thanks to everyone who commented on the new year post. Nice to know you’re still out there.


  5. I Refuse

    May 2, 2012 by Phoe

    April 29: 120/365

    To let preconceived notions stop me.
    To keep feeling shame for the hurts inflicted upon me by others.
    To keep feeling guilt at my inability to be everything to everyone.
    To knit things I don’t like.
    To apologize for the number of cameras I own (or would like to own).
    To listen to mean people.
    To let the fear win.
    To take the blame for the actions of others.
    To hide.
    To fail at recovery.
    To just survive. I want to thrive.
    To give up.
    To go too long and force too hard.
    To keep being so bad at being sick.
    To refuse to rest or relax.
    To try and please everyone.
    To convince myself I really do like lima beans.
    To give in.
    To fold.
    To fail.
    To let lists define who I am. (I like lists.)
    To be anything other than the best giant, technicolored, geeky, writerly, yarny, photographoe ME that I can be.
    To keep going when I really, really need to stop. (See rest issues.)

    As Elizabeth Bennett so memorably says to Lady Catherine in Pride & Prejudice:

    I am only resolved to act in a manner which will constitute my own happiness without reference to you or to any person so wholly unconnected with me.

    She had a point.

    What do you refuse?